Held back, choked back, retracted out of fear, self-doubt, uncertainty...
Have you ever wondered about the things that were left unspoken?
Precious jewels--wrapped up yet untouched, like discarded gifts
The missed beauty in opportunities
The deep desires of your heart--stored, locked away--unchecked and disengaged for fear of rejection
Necessary apologies choked back on pride
Compliments withdrawn in the uncertainty of the reaction
Restoring words of encouragement held back on principle of "overstepping boundaries" or "it's not my place"
Gentle, but true guidance of misdirection or misdemeanor swallowed up in self-righteousness wrapped up as "accommodating" or "people pleasing"
Praise reports, prayer, God's very name hidden in paralysis of sounding self-righteous or "holier than thou"
or further--being rejected by the world for glorifying God
A quiet squeeze of the hand, soft smile, or warm hug shut away in a box labeled "personal comfort zone", afraid of crossing the line.
Confessions locked up in paralyzing fear of judgment, repercussions, humiliation, disgrace
Stories of triumph stifled from self-doubt or the small, persistent voice of "I'm still not good enough"
Stories of despair covered in masks to hide shame; afraid the vulnerability will truly break me
But who is missing out on love by not sharing?
Who is voicelessly, silently crying out for help that I am overlooking?
Seeking the love that I claim overflows from the Lord
...yet I still remain silent
God has given me a voice...
May I use it to speak life, lift up, encourage, and truly love
May I use it to speak on behalf of someone who doesn't have a voice
May I use it to push past fear and live in freedom
May I use it for His glory.
Thursday, January 26, 2017
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
Displayed
When
did the word different become defined as “better” or “worse”?
And
why do those differences so commonly overshadow similarities?
I
am not saying we are all the same
…in
fact I know that is not true and it is exactly what I love about humanity.
What
I am saying is—that at our core—in the foundational sense of who we are,
We
are human.
We
are life.
We
are the experiences that shape us.
We
are the motives that fuel us.
We
are the emotions that mold us and color our interactions.
Those
experiences and motives will vary…
In
volume, intensity, morals, interpretation.
The
emotions; however…
Despite
what brings them on…are felt by all.
The
smallest words or actions can either bring strife or glory.
Can
either build up or tear down.
May
we build each other up,
Praising
our differences as unique ways to fit together in this world.
Are
puzzle pieces the same in shape and color?
No.
Yet,
they come together to display a full picture,
To
tell a story.
May
we do the same with each other.
Honoring,
respecting, and appreciating differences.
Encouraging
each other to be our piece of the puzzle,
So
we can display the full picture.
We
each play an integral part.
Let’s
allow each other to do that.
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Be Somebody, Be You
Day by day
is so easily said
But is it so easily lived?
Marked by failure, heartache, loss, and the overwhelming pressure to be somebody
But,
How is that defined?
Better question: who defines it?
Because if being "somebody" is defined by the world then good luck trying to find it.
The world spits out quick fixes, new trends, and fads
Buy into it only to be spit back out when the "new" has become a "has...been"
Been there, done that
You can't win
If you're trying to fit in
Because we are not called to blend in,
Camouflaged in deception,
No.
We are called to stand out,
To be unashamedly who we are in a world of doubt.
is so easily said
But is it so easily lived?
Marked by failure, heartache, loss, and the overwhelming pressure to be somebody
But,
How is that defined?
Better question: who defines it?
Because if being "somebody" is defined by the world then good luck trying to find it.
The world spits out quick fixes, new trends, and fads
Buy into it only to be spit back out when the "new" has become a "has...been"
Been there, done that
You can't win
If you're trying to fit in
Because we are not called to blend in,
Camouflaged in deception,
No.
We are called to stand out,
To be unashamedly who we are in a world of doubt.
Beauty in Everything
May we see the beauty in everything.
In the triumphs; through the trials.
Because when our eyes are open,
We are able to see the beauty in everything.
May we be humble through our triumphs and take comfort in our trials--realizing immense growth can happen when we are tested.
There is simple beauty in tears...
Whether stemming from happiness, sadness, regret, sorrow, frustration...
It reminds us we are human.
We are alive.
We are growing.
We are learning.
We are both incredibly vulnerable & incredibly strong.
And that, in itself, is beautiful.
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Living Purposefully
I don't want to live in fear.
I do, however, want to live purposefully.
Fear drives uncertainty, hesitancy, doubt, timidness
Purpose drives assurance, commitment, trust, boldness
We are not called to a spirit of fear and timidity but of power, love, and sound mind [2 Timothy 1:7]
In defining fear it states, "to feel anxiety or apprehension on behalf of" [someone or something]
A word that comes to mind in reading this definition is debilitating, which speaks of weakness--fear weakens your whole outlook and temperament.
In defining purpose it states, "having or showing determination or resolve; having a useful purpose; intentional"
Let's touch on words that correlate with this definition: strengthen, refresh, revitalize, stimulate, enliven, energize, rejuvenate.
Living with purpose encourages your spirit in times of distress and challenge, which will inevitably arise--
It provides durability and endurance.
Living in fear depletes your resolve before you ever even face a challenge.
With fear you are starting out below ground, grappling and fighting your way up through adversity.
With purpose you are standing above ground with a larger perspective--giving you the ability to conceptualize and prioritize.
God is bigger than our fears.
God provides purpose.
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Perspective
I love looking back on things I have written and remembering the time in life in which I wrote them. The following were written when I was leaving a job I loved and felt I thrived in. The circumstances that lead to this were less than ideal but I love looking back and seeing how the Lord carried me through with perspective, grace, and love. God knew I needed to be home. He graciously used a tough situation to bring me back closer to family. For that--and the lessons I have learned during that time--I am forever grateful.
Standing on the Lord's foundation means when someone speaks ill of you, seeks to demoralize you or put you down--you don't have to utter a sound, defend yourself, or get caught up in the run around. Because you trust the Lord to shine your true character--He handles the put back, the rebound. What is lost on the world, in Him will always be found. Our job is to turn the other cheek--overcome evil with good--so love can abound.
I may not be the smartest person but I will never stop learning
I may not be the funniest person but I will always find a reason to laugh
I may not be the strongest person but I will never give up
I may not be the most beautiful person but I will choose to see beauty in every circumstance and person
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some of my biggest life lessons have been learned when I felt I have been or have truly been wronged by someone. Giving it over to the Lord to either humble me or redeem the situation for my benefit. You will reap what you sow, and so will they. (Galatians 6:7) Trust and let Him handle it.
"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows."
- Galatians 6:7
- Galatians 6:7
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Standing on the Lord's foundation means when someone speaks ill of you, seeks to demoralize you or put you down--you don't have to utter a sound, defend yourself, or get caught up in the run around. Because you trust the Lord to shine your true character--He handles the put back, the rebound. What is lost on the world, in Him will always be found. Our job is to turn the other cheek--overcome evil with good--so love can abound.
"Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, 'Vengeance is Mine, I will repay', says the Lord. Therefore 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink; For in doing so you will heap coals of fire on his head.' Do not be overcome evil but overcome evil with good." - Romans 12:19-21
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
True growth may be painful; but worth it.
Friday, October 2, 2015
Beauty in the Waiting
Singleness.
There is beauty in the waiting.
Trust and allow the Lord to work on your heart.
God has a plan for you--He gave you, specifically you, unique talents and qualities to be used for His glory.
You are not used by God in spite of your singleness.
He does not see being single as a hindrance so why do we?
God doesn't look at you as incomplete without someone else.
You are; however, incomplete without Him.
With or without a partner God loves you.
Love yourself, when you are by yourself.
He won't leave your desire unchecked.
Trust in God's timing and understand that all other relationships should be built on the foundation of One.
There is beauty in the waiting.
Trust and allow the Lord to work on your heart.
God has a plan for you--He gave you, specifically you, unique talents and qualities to be used for His glory.
You are not used by God in spite of your singleness.
He does not see being single as a hindrance so why do we?
God doesn't look at you as incomplete without someone else.
You are; however, incomplete without Him.
With or without a partner God loves you.
Love yourself, when you are by yourself.
He won't leave your desire unchecked.
Trust in God's timing and understand that all other relationships should be built on the foundation of One.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Time
Time.
Time is strange.
One day, one moment can seem to suspend in time
While, simultaneously you are hit with the stark slap of "where did the time go?"
Thinking back on all the "remember whens", good times and laughs
Makes it hard to fathom the current reality.
One minute the sun is shining, matching the smile on your face and the laugh in your eyes.
The next minute, a storm rolls in, clouding your vision and pressing heavy precipitation on your heart and lungs.
Sometimes, you feel, this is okay because at least it lines up with the immovable feeling in your heart.
The piercing gap that now remains--
That makes it beat just a little bit differently,
That makes it strive harder to do the same amount of work.
Similar, in style, are you.
Beating a little differently--
Striving, suffering, fighting but ultimately surviving to push through each day, each moment...
The moments when you question if the pain will ever subside,
If you will ever stop missing them.
Unlikely. And that's okay--
They are irreplaceable.
And if missing them keeps them on your mind--keeps their qualities, characteristics, strength and love close to your heart, where perhaps you might grasp and share some of their goodness--spreading the love they showed you to others, then missing them will remain.
There will be moments you think of them and your heart swells with pride, bursting with love and appreciation.
And there will be moments you think of them and your heart bursts with the same intensity but with brokenness and sadness.
There is no prescription for grief.
Allow yourself the highs.
Embrace the lows.
There is growth in both.
There is grace in both.
And even when you feel lonely
You are never alone.
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Beautiful
Do you know you're beautiful?
Since before you were born--
as you were knit in your mother's womb--
a plan set before you.
For beautiful you.
You are not beautiful defined by your weight, your looks, your clothes.
You are beautiful, simply and entirely, because you are you.
You are beautiful because no one else is you.
You are one of a kind, once upon a time, unique across all time beautiful.
Your looks may change over time
In fact, if you are blessed with years in this life it is a guarantee.
But the change in years does not alter true beauty--your beauty remains because you are you.
You are beautiful.
Being
Enveloped
And
Utterly
Transformed by
Infinite
Fulfilling &
Unrelenting
Love
Since before you were born--
as you were knit in your mother's womb--
a plan set before you.
For beautiful you.
You are not beautiful defined by your weight, your looks, your clothes.
You are beautiful, simply and entirely, because you are you.
You are beautiful because no one else is you.
You are one of a kind, once upon a time, unique across all time beautiful.
Your looks may change over time
In fact, if you are blessed with years in this life it is a guarantee.
But the change in years does not alter true beauty--your beauty remains because you are you.
You are beautiful.
Being
Enveloped
And
Utterly
Transformed by
Infinite
Fulfilling &
Unrelenting
Love
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Refuse to Crumble
The world will say you're not good enough.
Refuse to crumble.
The world will string you along only to dispose you heartlessly.
Refuse to crumble.
The world will strip you of your job--further, your financial security.
Refuse to crumble.
The world will be threatened by you and plan your demise.
Refuse to crumble.
The world will tempt you with empty promises.
Refuse to crumble.
The world will have you invest everything then kick you to the curb.
Refuse to crumble.
The world will smile in your face and stab you in the back.
Refuse to crumble.
The world will rob you: of opportunity, chances, dignity, love.
Refuse to crumble.
The world will torment your heart, bringing unrest to your soul.
Refuse to crumble.
The world will tell you you're beautiful then spit in your face.
Refuse to crumble.
The world will cheat you.
Refuse to crumble.
Refuse to crumble because none of those circumstances, despite how they make you feel, determine who you are.
Refuse to crumble because there is nothing more beautiful than rising up out of the ashes.
Refuse to crumble because crumbling is not what the Lord has for your life.
We will have trouble in this world but take heart, I have overcome the world.
Refuse to crumble because we are able to stand firm on the one who doesn't--Jesus Christ.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" - John 16:33
Monday, November 10, 2014
.02 Seconds Worth of Lessons!
Hey everyone :) I have been wanting to write about this for a while I just haven't gotten around to it until now.
As some of you may know, I am a recent graduate from the University of South Florida, and I spent a good amount of those four years practicing and competing in the sport of Track & Field (and Cross Country ;) )
In earlier blog posts, and through conversation if you know me well, you can see that throughout my athletic career I have struggled in the area of competing in my sports--especially in the 400H race. This race for me has been more than physical hurdles, it has been mental and emotional hurdles as well. When I came to know the Lord my freshmen year, little by little I started to surrender pieces of my life away to Him. Honestly, the first thing I remember surrendering was track. At the time it was the biggest obstacle that my eyes could see and I was ready to hand it over to the Lord--to be free from worrying about it. Four years later I am staring down the starting line with a heavy realization that I did not surrender a darn thing when it came to track.
I still wanted victory. And I wanted victory defined by my standards. With my final year and "last chances" approaching I carried around the weight of "conquering the hurdles" and I'd say that to, "I just want to conquer the hurdles!" That was my goal. Conquering to me meant qualifying for the Outdoor Big East Championships in that event.
Before I continue with the outdoor season allow me to touch on the absolute graciousness of our Lord during the cross country and indoor season. Prior to this year, I had not qualified for a single Big East Championship.
My last year was my second year of doing cross country for USF. I decided to join my junior year to get my endurance up during the "pre-season" and to meet all the wonderful people on our team that I wouldn't normally get to meet because of our different practice times and schedules as a whole. My senior year, by God's grace, I was part of the travel team for cross country and got to participate in every race of the season. This allowed me to travel up north and see my parents and friends at a couple races. Come time for cross country Big East Championships and believe it or not I was still selected to be part of the travel team! My first Big East qualification and it was for cross country! :) I could not have asked for a better first experience at the Big East Championships. The close-knit team we had was such a joy to compete for and I will cherish all the memories I have made with them.
Then came the indoor season. I decided to focus on qualifying for the 800m run since the 400H was not an option. In order to qualify I had to run a 2:17.04. My first race was in Alabama and I ran a 2:22. I was certainly disappointed but God kept my spirits up by sending three of my dearest friends--Jonathan, Lindsey, Cameron along with Mrs. Sillers, who drove out to the meet site to support me! God is so personal and compassionate! I also got to run in the same race, same heat (!) as another friend of mine, Tiffany, and we got to pray beforehand. I was so so thankful not only for those friends outside of my team who came to support me but the support of my teammates with positivity and keeping me focused on what really matters.
The next meet was at Notre Dame! This was exciting for a few reasons. My beautiful friend, Megan goes to school there and also my babiest of brothers, John, was enjoying his first year as a freshmen there! The first day we get there we head to the track to warm up. I am straggling behind the team walking towards the door and to my utter surprise I see two of my friends, Kayla and Ty, walking out of that same door! They had driven 3 HOURS to surprise me at my meet and come support me. What?! Astounded. I was astounded. Four loved ones sitting in the stands to support me. What I remember of the meet leading up to my race is that I was sooo relaxed. I was praying and just talking to God and enjoying myself there. Asking Him why He had me there, what was His desire for me to be in Southbend, IN at that point in time. By the time I get to the start line I just feel peace and confidence. I'm down at the start...."Set.....BOOM" and I'm off. Boy did I run my absolute hardest. I knew I had to move it if I wanted to knock 5 seconds off my time to qualify. Let me tell you, that heat was flyyyyyying!! I felt like I was moving, cruising and pushing it through the finish line with every last effort in me. I believe I ended up around fifth in my heat, so my time on the board was delayed in showing up. (In retrospect I appreciate God's dramatic timing ;) )
I'm squatting, catching my breath and keeping my eyes on the board waiting for the time to display. In the mean time I am surrounded and engulfed by the flurry and excitement of my absolutely gorgeous and loving teammates. My one friend, Rachael, holds my shoulders and cries, "I think you did it Robz! I think you did it!" Beautiful. Emotion. Just beautiful this moment. The clock finally shows and.......2:15!!!!! I ran 7 seconds faster than my previous weeks race and qualified two seconds under the qualifying time for the 800m. WOW! I'm still amazed at God's power in that one! I enjoyed the time with my friends and brother that came to see me before heading back to Tampa in utter amazement at God and His gift of allowing me to qualify. I wrapped up the indoor season competing in the DMR (distance medley relay) at Big East where I ran the 800m leg. So fun!! My girlies on the relay and I ended up coming in 7th, which meant we scored some points for USF--exciting! Now I am 2-2 in qualifying for the Championships for the year, last one to check off is outdoor season in the 400H!
So here it comes--outdoor season! Outdoor season meant my last season competing in college, the last time I would run for USF with the great individuals that comprised our team and also the last time I would run the hurdles, probably ever. A lot of "lasts". The first meet, which was at home, I ran the 800m because I wanted to get another week of hurdle practice under my belt before I competed. Our second meet was at home as well and I ran the 400H. I ended up running a 1:06 and let me tell you...this girl was. not. happy. All these doubts and the same old lies of "here we go again" "this is all you'll ever do" started coming back. At this time is when my friend Christine stepped in, reminded me and continued to encourage me of the truths from God's word. Psalm 25:1 "To You O Lord, I lift my soul, my God I trust in You" was the scripture of the season and something I repeated and memorized as I practiced. I made a decision that I would do all that I possibly could, in terms of practicing and preparing myself, for the hurdles so that whatever happened at the end of the season, I had the satisfaction of working and giving my all towards something.
The next race that sticks out to me was our third and last home meet. I always love competing at USF for the comfort factor and this meet was special because it was an Alumni meet, so former teammates where there supporting and we were also recognized as seniors on the team which was fun. I felt good and relaxed this race too. It was probably my smoothest run over the hurdles in a while and when I crossed the finish line I saw a time of 1:04! Could it be?! Did I qualify? I honestly did not know the exact qualifying time so I wasn't sure. I ended up hearing from a few of my friends and my coach as well that I was close but just missed qualifying. And when I say just missed--I mean 2 tenths of a second. Qualifying time was 1:04.14 and I ran a time of 1:04.16. You cannot even manually stop a stopwatch that quickly! .02! Insanity! At this point in time I kind of laughed it out, it was comical to me and I thought "Okay God, I know Your hand is in this...still teaching me a lesson" To be content, despite what time I run. I told myself I was, but that was because I knew I still had some time left. I still had chances to "prove" myself and qualify. I wasn't pressed for time...yet.
I had two more opportunities to run the hurdles going into our next meet at FSU, so I wanted to get secure my qualifying time and then work on lowering on my next meet with freedom in knowing I qualified. The week leading up to this meet I was tense, I was not spending adequate time with the Lord in His word and it showed. I felt troubled and anxious. The tension I was holding in my body from the pressure I was placing on myself showed in what was by far the worst hurdle race I had of the season. I honestly don't even remember my time, probably because I blacked it out of my mind >.< This was an extremely low point for me. And by that I mean, I kind of lost my mind a little bit. And by that I mean after the race when the meet was still going on I just ran and ran and ran until I finally exhausted myself and crashed in a corner of campus and just let the emotion of disappointment wash over me. Pitiful pity party. What is comforting about the Lord, and life in general, is when you hit a valley you most certainly will hit a peak soon enough. Looking back, I am grateful the breakdown was at this point so it is not what I had to end my career on.
Our final meet and opportunity to qualify was in Indiana at Indiana University. It was unconventional for us Bulls in a couple of ways. One, we split up as a team that weekend so some of the team was in Louisiana at LSU and the rest of us were in Indiana--that meant split coaches as well. Also, it was COLD! Wet and rainy conditions only amplified the temperature so it was a tad bit chilly for us Tampa folk ;) Despite the differences, I was relaxed and focused. Although it was my "last chance" I felt the expanse of opportunities ahead of me so instead of feeling pressure or feeling like everything was riding on this moment, I felt as light as air and felt I had everything to gain and nothing to lose. "To You O Lord, I lift my soul, my God I trust in You" was my anthem that I repeated to myself while warming up and getting ready for my race. It was time. Stripped down in the cold I shook out my legs one final time and got set in the blocks. "Alright Lord, this should be fun, let's go" The gun went off and so did I. Over each hurdle I felt strong and assured, I could hear the cheers from my teammates around the track as I rounded the bend into the homestretch...three hurdles stood before me and the finish line, stood between me and qualifying...I powered through with everything I had in me. Spent, breathing heavy, I forced myself to look up at the board...where I saw 1:04!!!....4 flash across the board. With roughly a 1:04.4 I was close but not close enough to qualify got the Big East Championships.
"Okay, Lord" I said, "okay". After some kind words and verification of my all my hard work from my coach I gathered my things, cooled down, and called my mom. Now, you know all it takes is a mother's voice to start the tears but as I did I made sure to let her know "I'm not sad, I'm crying but I'm not sad". I think it was more just overwhelming feelings, everything that I have carried with me through out those four years coming to the surface and being released--the good, the bad, the lessons learned, the hours put in. I think I literally felt every emotion you can think of: gratitude, joy, relief, satisfaction. In case you forgot let me repeat: I missed qualifying for the race that I worked four years to qualify for. I did not achieve my "ultimate goal" yet the only emotions I felt were positive and comforting ones! I have no doubts it is my relationship with the Lord that got me through that outcome. I was able to be joyful because I felt a purpose bigger than any track meet. Don't get me wrong, I knew I had a purpose running track I just knew it wasn't my only purpose. I will forever carry the lessons I learned and pray that the Lord used me to bless others in one way or another. I knew, however, just because track may have ended for me, my purpose didn't. The Lord wasn't done with me just because I was done with my track and field career and I cannot tell you the freedom that brought me.
And apparently, I wasn't done with my track career either! I found out a couple days later that my coach, Coach Reif, pulled in favor of me to run the 4x800 relay at the Big East Championships! That year, the Championships were held in New Brunswick, NJ at Rutgers! This brought me in the backyard of two dear friends, Allison and Tyler Stowell, and was close enough for my Mom, Dad, brother Dave, my aunt Nene and cousin Kim to all make the trip to watch me run my last race! I was officially done school so I had nothing to worry about academic wise and although I missed walking at graduation I could not think of a better replacement than running in the Outdoor Big East Championships surrounded by people I love. After one last run with my beautiful 4x800 team I walked away from the track with a smile on my face and gratitude in my heart.
Collegiate sports are no joke and it took me a complete four years to come to terms with the outcome of my career. I learned perseverance. Just because things are not going how you planned them does not mean it is time to give up or give in, keep pushing! The outcome still might not be what you first desired when you get to the end but you will not walk away empty handed. There is something beautiful and authentic about not giving up in the season, but also graciously knowing when that season is over. I had such a peace knowing that I gave it everything I had but also knowing, and being content with, the fact that my days competing track and field were coming to an end. Some athletes go through their careers being the face of the program, having the peak of their athletic ability through out their time in college. Other athletes struggle, either with injuries, mental blocks, or issues outside of their sport that carry over into their performance. I'm here to tell you, regardless of where you fall on the spectrum, to not believe the lie that you don't make a difference, that your impact isn't felt. You have a purpose on your team. Yes, it might not be how you envision it, but if you can see past that and give it over to the Lord, I promise He will use you in ways you couldn't imagine. You will not be robbed of fulfillment. He has crafted you with the ability to perform and loves to see you do so! Everyday, every practice, every game and competition is a victory with that knowledge!
As some of you may know, I am a recent graduate from the University of South Florida, and I spent a good amount of those four years practicing and competing in the sport of Track & Field (and Cross Country ;) )
In earlier blog posts, and through conversation if you know me well, you can see that throughout my athletic career I have struggled in the area of competing in my sports--especially in the 400H race. This race for me has been more than physical hurdles, it has been mental and emotional hurdles as well. When I came to know the Lord my freshmen year, little by little I started to surrender pieces of my life away to Him. Honestly, the first thing I remember surrendering was track. At the time it was the biggest obstacle that my eyes could see and I was ready to hand it over to the Lord--to be free from worrying about it. Four years later I am staring down the starting line with a heavy realization that I did not surrender a darn thing when it came to track.
I still wanted victory. And I wanted victory defined by my standards. With my final year and "last chances" approaching I carried around the weight of "conquering the hurdles" and I'd say that to, "I just want to conquer the hurdles!" That was my goal. Conquering to me meant qualifying for the Outdoor Big East Championships in that event.
Before I continue with the outdoor season allow me to touch on the absolute graciousness of our Lord during the cross country and indoor season. Prior to this year, I had not qualified for a single Big East Championship.
My last year was my second year of doing cross country for USF. I decided to join my junior year to get my endurance up during the "pre-season" and to meet all the wonderful people on our team that I wouldn't normally get to meet because of our different practice times and schedules as a whole. My senior year, by God's grace, I was part of the travel team for cross country and got to participate in every race of the season. This allowed me to travel up north and see my parents and friends at a couple races. Come time for cross country Big East Championships and believe it or not I was still selected to be part of the travel team! My first Big East qualification and it was for cross country! :) I could not have asked for a better first experience at the Big East Championships. The close-knit team we had was such a joy to compete for and I will cherish all the memories I have made with them.
Then came the indoor season. I decided to focus on qualifying for the 800m run since the 400H was not an option. In order to qualify I had to run a 2:17.04. My first race was in Alabama and I ran a 2:22. I was certainly disappointed but God kept my spirits up by sending three of my dearest friends--Jonathan, Lindsey, Cameron along with Mrs. Sillers, who drove out to the meet site to support me! God is so personal and compassionate! I also got to run in the same race, same heat (!) as another friend of mine, Tiffany, and we got to pray beforehand. I was so so thankful not only for those friends outside of my team who came to support me but the support of my teammates with positivity and keeping me focused on what really matters.
The next meet was at Notre Dame! This was exciting for a few reasons. My beautiful friend, Megan goes to school there and also my babiest of brothers, John, was enjoying his first year as a freshmen there! The first day we get there we head to the track to warm up. I am straggling behind the team walking towards the door and to my utter surprise I see two of my friends, Kayla and Ty, walking out of that same door! They had driven 3 HOURS to surprise me at my meet and come support me. What?! Astounded. I was astounded. Four loved ones sitting in the stands to support me. What I remember of the meet leading up to my race is that I was sooo relaxed. I was praying and just talking to God and enjoying myself there. Asking Him why He had me there, what was His desire for me to be in Southbend, IN at that point in time. By the time I get to the start line I just feel peace and confidence. I'm down at the start...."Set.....BOOM" and I'm off. Boy did I run my absolute hardest. I knew I had to move it if I wanted to knock 5 seconds off my time to qualify. Let me tell you, that heat was flyyyyyying!! I felt like I was moving, cruising and pushing it through the finish line with every last effort in me. I believe I ended up around fifth in my heat, so my time on the board was delayed in showing up. (In retrospect I appreciate God's dramatic timing ;) )
I'm squatting, catching my breath and keeping my eyes on the board waiting for the time to display. In the mean time I am surrounded and engulfed by the flurry and excitement of my absolutely gorgeous and loving teammates. My one friend, Rachael, holds my shoulders and cries, "I think you did it Robz! I think you did it!" Beautiful. Emotion. Just beautiful this moment. The clock finally shows and.......2:15!!!!! I ran 7 seconds faster than my previous weeks race and qualified two seconds under the qualifying time for the 800m. WOW! I'm still amazed at God's power in that one! I enjoyed the time with my friends and brother that came to see me before heading back to Tampa in utter amazement at God and His gift of allowing me to qualify. I wrapped up the indoor season competing in the DMR (distance medley relay) at Big East where I ran the 800m leg. So fun!! My girlies on the relay and I ended up coming in 7th, which meant we scored some points for USF--exciting! Now I am 2-2 in qualifying for the Championships for the year, last one to check off is outdoor season in the 400H!
So here it comes--outdoor season! Outdoor season meant my last season competing in college, the last time I would run for USF with the great individuals that comprised our team and also the last time I would run the hurdles, probably ever. A lot of "lasts". The first meet, which was at home, I ran the 800m because I wanted to get another week of hurdle practice under my belt before I competed. Our second meet was at home as well and I ran the 400H. I ended up running a 1:06 and let me tell you...this girl was. not. happy. All these doubts and the same old lies of "here we go again" "this is all you'll ever do" started coming back. At this time is when my friend Christine stepped in, reminded me and continued to encourage me of the truths from God's word. Psalm 25:1 "To You O Lord, I lift my soul, my God I trust in You" was the scripture of the season and something I repeated and memorized as I practiced. I made a decision that I would do all that I possibly could, in terms of practicing and preparing myself, for the hurdles so that whatever happened at the end of the season, I had the satisfaction of working and giving my all towards something.
The next race that sticks out to me was our third and last home meet. I always love competing at USF for the comfort factor and this meet was special because it was an Alumni meet, so former teammates where there supporting and we were also recognized as seniors on the team which was fun. I felt good and relaxed this race too. It was probably my smoothest run over the hurdles in a while and when I crossed the finish line I saw a time of 1:04! Could it be?! Did I qualify? I honestly did not know the exact qualifying time so I wasn't sure. I ended up hearing from a few of my friends and my coach as well that I was close but just missed qualifying. And when I say just missed--I mean 2 tenths of a second. Qualifying time was 1:04.14 and I ran a time of 1:04.16. You cannot even manually stop a stopwatch that quickly! .02! Insanity! At this point in time I kind of laughed it out, it was comical to me and I thought "Okay God, I know Your hand is in this...still teaching me a lesson" To be content, despite what time I run. I told myself I was, but that was because I knew I still had some time left. I still had chances to "prove" myself and qualify. I wasn't pressed for time...yet.
I had two more opportunities to run the hurdles going into our next meet at FSU, so I wanted to get secure my qualifying time and then work on lowering on my next meet with freedom in knowing I qualified. The week leading up to this meet I was tense, I was not spending adequate time with the Lord in His word and it showed. I felt troubled and anxious. The tension I was holding in my body from the pressure I was placing on myself showed in what was by far the worst hurdle race I had of the season. I honestly don't even remember my time, probably because I blacked it out of my mind >.< This was an extremely low point for me. And by that I mean, I kind of lost my mind a little bit. And by that I mean after the race when the meet was still going on I just ran and ran and ran until I finally exhausted myself and crashed in a corner of campus and just let the emotion of disappointment wash over me. Pitiful pity party. What is comforting about the Lord, and life in general, is when you hit a valley you most certainly will hit a peak soon enough. Looking back, I am grateful the breakdown was at this point so it is not what I had to end my career on.
Our final meet and opportunity to qualify was in Indiana at Indiana University. It was unconventional for us Bulls in a couple of ways. One, we split up as a team that weekend so some of the team was in Louisiana at LSU and the rest of us were in Indiana--that meant split coaches as well. Also, it was COLD! Wet and rainy conditions only amplified the temperature so it was a tad bit chilly for us Tampa folk ;) Despite the differences, I was relaxed and focused. Although it was my "last chance" I felt the expanse of opportunities ahead of me so instead of feeling pressure or feeling like everything was riding on this moment, I felt as light as air and felt I had everything to gain and nothing to lose. "To You O Lord, I lift my soul, my God I trust in You" was my anthem that I repeated to myself while warming up and getting ready for my race. It was time. Stripped down in the cold I shook out my legs one final time and got set in the blocks. "Alright Lord, this should be fun, let's go" The gun went off and so did I. Over each hurdle I felt strong and assured, I could hear the cheers from my teammates around the track as I rounded the bend into the homestretch...three hurdles stood before me and the finish line, stood between me and qualifying...I powered through with everything I had in me. Spent, breathing heavy, I forced myself to look up at the board...where I saw 1:04!!!....4 flash across the board. With roughly a 1:04.4 I was close but not close enough to qualify got the Big East Championships.
"Okay, Lord" I said, "okay". After some kind words and verification of my all my hard work from my coach I gathered my things, cooled down, and called my mom. Now, you know all it takes is a mother's voice to start the tears but as I did I made sure to let her know "I'm not sad, I'm crying but I'm not sad". I think it was more just overwhelming feelings, everything that I have carried with me through out those four years coming to the surface and being released--the good, the bad, the lessons learned, the hours put in. I think I literally felt every emotion you can think of: gratitude, joy, relief, satisfaction. In case you forgot let me repeat: I missed qualifying for the race that I worked four years to qualify for. I did not achieve my "ultimate goal" yet the only emotions I felt were positive and comforting ones! I have no doubts it is my relationship with the Lord that got me through that outcome. I was able to be joyful because I felt a purpose bigger than any track meet. Don't get me wrong, I knew I had a purpose running track I just knew it wasn't my only purpose. I will forever carry the lessons I learned and pray that the Lord used me to bless others in one way or another. I knew, however, just because track may have ended for me, my purpose didn't. The Lord wasn't done with me just because I was done with my track and field career and I cannot tell you the freedom that brought me.
And apparently, I wasn't done with my track career either! I found out a couple days later that my coach, Coach Reif, pulled in favor of me to run the 4x800 relay at the Big East Championships! That year, the Championships were held in New Brunswick, NJ at Rutgers! This brought me in the backyard of two dear friends, Allison and Tyler Stowell, and was close enough for my Mom, Dad, brother Dave, my aunt Nene and cousin Kim to all make the trip to watch me run my last race! I was officially done school so I had nothing to worry about academic wise and although I missed walking at graduation I could not think of a better replacement than running in the Outdoor Big East Championships surrounded by people I love. After one last run with my beautiful 4x800 team I walked away from the track with a smile on my face and gratitude in my heart.
Collegiate sports are no joke and it took me a complete four years to come to terms with the outcome of my career. I learned perseverance. Just because things are not going how you planned them does not mean it is time to give up or give in, keep pushing! The outcome still might not be what you first desired when you get to the end but you will not walk away empty handed. There is something beautiful and authentic about not giving up in the season, but also graciously knowing when that season is over. I had such a peace knowing that I gave it everything I had but also knowing, and being content with, the fact that my days competing track and field were coming to an end. Some athletes go through their careers being the face of the program, having the peak of their athletic ability through out their time in college. Other athletes struggle, either with injuries, mental blocks, or issues outside of their sport that carry over into their performance. I'm here to tell you, regardless of where you fall on the spectrum, to not believe the lie that you don't make a difference, that your impact isn't felt. You have a purpose on your team. Yes, it might not be how you envision it, but if you can see past that and give it over to the Lord, I promise He will use you in ways you couldn't imagine. You will not be robbed of fulfillment. He has crafted you with the ability to perform and loves to see you do so! Everyday, every practice, every game and competition is a victory with that knowledge!
Friday, January 3, 2014
Beautiful and Loved Challenge
I was trying to get to bed, dozing in and out of sleep when I felt the Lord placed this on my heart. I said to myself, "Okay I will write about that tomorrow" and then...here I am.
I was thinking about how most of us are so quick to talk ourselves down and talk down to ourselves. Whether it be to rebuke a compliment from someone or when we, in our hearts, think negatively about the way we look, the way we act, or who we are.
This is heavy on my heart because I am one who easily defaults to these hurtful actions and I hear too many beautiful people I love saying some of the same things.
I say hurtful for two reasons:
1) If someone gives you a compliment it means they care about you. They are offering you a most precious gift. They are demonstrating how they feel about you by voicing their feelings in a slightly vulnerable, if you will, way--by complimenting you. They are building support around you with positive words and affirmations. I believe, and I say this because I need to hear it, that we need to start receiving those compliments. It can be hurtful if we reject the gift of compliment people offer and deny them the opportunity to love us.
2) When we speak negatively to ourselves we are chipping away at the truth of who we are little by little. What we tell ourselves quickly becomes our reality. Speaking harshly to and about ourselves blinds us to who we truly are and reinforces the denials we speak to others when they compliment us. It hurts our core more then I think we even realize and becomes so readily a habit that it is frightening and sad.
So here is my challenge for the week and something I ask you all to try as well:
1) Anytime someone pays you a compliment--before you spit out "Oh gosh no way" or "yeah right" pause and think about it, allow your heart to absorb it and believe its truth and say "Thank you". In return--people who pay the compliments: start expecting a gracious "thank you"! It is easy to become accustomed to hearing it deflected so do not be surprised when someone says thank you--in turn say thank You!
2) Whenever a negative thought about yourself comes to mind try combating that with a positive truth. In your head or out-loud say "I Am Beautiful.", "I Am Loved.", "I Am Worthy." Because you without a shadow of doubt are--forever and always.
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
- Psalm 139:13-14
(daily.goodcleanlove.com)
Saturday, November 16, 2013
The Power of Words
Words have the potential to be so powerful. They can lift you up or tear you down. An example that came to my mind a while ago is...You take individual letters, things that when standing
alone are like an arrow. String some of those letters together and they can
form words that are like an arrow when it’s poised in a bow, honing its power
and precision. The direction and impact
of that arrow—or those words—is crucial.
They can either shoot an apple of your head, lifting off burdens—the
weight of “disappointment”, “failure”, “loss” so you can walk lighter with
assurance of the encouragement you received or they can pierce you right where it
hurts—casting those same feelings onto you and placing more apples on your
head, weighing you down. How are we using our words? To lift up or weigh down?
This is something that I have wrote that I've been meaning to finish for a while. It's something that came to mind when I was contemplating just how impactful words can be and how this is talked about through out the Bible. One verse that is pertinent is Proverbs 12:18 "There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."
The power of words.
Have you ever had your body physically react to words?
It’s crazy isn't it?
Feeling your heart react--
with each consequence beat of your heart pumping either healing or damage.
Words are versatile:
They have the power to impale your heart like rocks, bashing against skin
Harsh words,
Feeling the pain sink in – self esteem, self worth, and
dignity shrinking with each word that is spit.
There is no discrimination in dissemination—in the size or amount.
Even the tiniest
word can do heart tearing damage.
How do you stand?
How do you defend?
By constant blows to the heart—bleeding out; a brawl you
don’t want to contend in.
Bend in, perceptions bent—twisted like rope
Each word
pulling tighter, a knot around your throat.
Grasping for air, reaching for meaning.
Feeling the words trap you as you start to recede in…
Believe in, the lies—like concrete—slowly poured in your heart
Makes you heavy, weighs you down
To where the perception of yourself is far from who you are
Hurtful words block your vision, keeping you from moving forward
So you sit back, it sinks in, as lies continue to eat at the scar.
It’s like tying a stone around your heart—filled with
concrete lies and torment and tossing you into the ocean.
It sinks.
You drown.
Hearing muffled voices above with the harsh words
reverberating in your mind all around
That one moment of “humor”, “anger”, or “blame” can lead to someone’s
lifetime of pain
Like a pebble lodged right under your foot—painfully
reminding you with each step you take
Words can squeeze your heart like a stress ball and toss it
around the same
Leaving you hunched over trying to pick up the pieces while
holding onto the remains
Proverbs 18:21 says, "death and life are in the power of the tongue"
So I'm begging, let's bring life in our words that are sung
One kind word can be the string of hope someone holds onto
Lifting them out of the burden they were dug in
Holding so tight to words of true meaning:
Their meaning, their worth, their place in this world
Words have the power to break chains of bondage:
of doubt, of fear, of self-pity, of addiction, of shame
Letting them know they are not the one to blame.
At the end of the day what it comes down to is that we all need love
To build each other up through our choice of words,
to put simply--healing.
Words can speak life to our souls,
shaking off cobwebs, chains, bringing light to this world.
Loving words can have your heart feel lighter then air
Offering encouragement, compliments, hope and care
The filth and shame from words of hurt can be gently washed away in the softness of kindness
This world wants to destroy, let us rise up to build up.
Guiding with kindness a path to the true cup
Speaking truth from His word,
watching years of turmoil melt away in the eyes of someone who is listening
Who is craving to hear they are something
Aren't we all?
Aren't we all craving? Aren't we all something?
But are we all listening?
James 1:19 commands us to be quick to listen and slow to speak
Only when we truly listen will we have the proper words to reap
a harvest, watering the soul of someone who needs it
Washing, cleaning, and binding up wounds
Healing and restoring to how He intends
as the body of Christ that is what we are called to do
So let us speak to each other in a way that renews.
The filth and shame from words of hurt can be gently washed away in the softness of kindness
This world wants to destroy, let us rise up to build up.
Guiding with kindness a path to the true cup
Speaking truth from His word,
watching years of turmoil melt away in the eyes of someone who is listening
Who is craving to hear they are something
Aren't we all?
Aren't we all craving? Aren't we all something?
But are we all listening?
James 1:19 commands us to be quick to listen and slow to speak
Only when we truly listen will we have the proper words to reap
a harvest, watering the soul of someone who needs it
Washing, cleaning, and binding up wounds
Healing and restoring to how He intends
as the body of Christ that is what we are called to do
So let us speak to each other in a way that renews.
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