Monday, November 10, 2014

.02 Seconds Worth of Lessons!

Hey everyone :) I have been wanting to write about this for a while I just haven't gotten around to it until now.

As some of you may know, I am a recent graduate from the University of South Florida, and I spent a good amount of those four years practicing and competing in the sport of Track & Field (and Cross Country ;) )

In earlier blog posts, and through conversation if you know me well, you can see that throughout my athletic career I have struggled in the area of competing in my sports--especially in the 400H race.  This race for me has been more than physical hurdles, it has been mental and emotional hurdles as well.  When I came to know the Lord my freshmen year, little by little I started to surrender pieces of my life away to Him.  Honestly, the first thing I remember surrendering was track.  At the time it was the biggest obstacle that my eyes could see and I was ready to hand it over to the Lord--to be free from worrying about it.  Four years later I am staring down the starting line with a heavy realization that I did not surrender a darn thing when it came to track.

I still wanted victory.  And I wanted victory defined by my standards. With my final year and "last chances" approaching I carried around the weight of "conquering the hurdles"  and I'd say that to, "I just want to conquer the hurdles!" That was my goal.  Conquering to me meant qualifying for the Outdoor Big East Championships in that event.

Before I continue with the outdoor season allow me to touch on the absolute graciousness of our Lord during the cross country and indoor season.  Prior to this year, I had not qualified for a single Big East Championship.

My last year was my second year of doing cross country for USF.  I decided to join my junior year to get my endurance up during the "pre-season" and to meet all the wonderful people on our team that I wouldn't normally get to meet because of our different practice times and schedules as a whole.  My senior year, by God's grace, I was part of the travel team for cross country and got to participate in every race of the season.  This allowed me to travel up north and see my parents and friends at a couple races.  Come time for cross country Big East Championships and believe it or not I was still selected to be part of the travel team!  My first Big East qualification and it was for cross country!  :) I could not have asked for a better first experience at the Big East Championships.  The close-knit team we had was such a joy to compete for and I will cherish all the memories I have made with them.

Then came the indoor season.  I decided to focus on qualifying for the 800m run since the 400H was not an option. In order to qualify I had to run a 2:17.04.  My first race was in Alabama and I ran a 2:22.  I was certainly disappointed but God kept my spirits up by sending three of my dearest friends--Jonathan, Lindsey, Cameron along with Mrs. Sillers, who drove out to the meet site to support me! God is so personal and compassionate!  I also got to run in the same race, same heat (!) as another friend of mine, Tiffany, and we got to pray beforehand.  I was so so thankful not only for those friends outside of my team who came to support me but the support of my teammates with positivity and keeping me focused on what really matters.

The next meet was at Notre Dame!  This was exciting for a few reasons.  My beautiful friend, Megan goes to school there and also my babiest of brothers, John, was enjoying his first year as a freshmen there!  The first day we get there we head to the track to warm up.  I am straggling behind the team walking towards the door and to my utter surprise I see two of my friends, Kayla and Ty, walking out of that same door!  They had driven 3 HOURS to surprise me at my meet and come support me. What?! Astounded. I was astounded. Four loved ones sitting in the stands to support me.  What I remember of the meet leading up to my race is that I was sooo relaxed.  I was praying and just talking to God and enjoying myself there.  Asking Him why He had me there, what was His desire for me to be in Southbend, IN at that point in time.  By the time I get to the start line I just feel peace and confidence. I'm down at the start...."Set.....BOOM" and I'm off.  Boy did I run my absolute hardest.  I knew I had to move it if I wanted to knock 5 seconds off my time to qualify.  Let me tell you, that heat was flyyyyyying!! I felt like I was moving, cruising and pushing it through the finish line with every last effort in me.  I believe I ended up around fifth in my heat, so my time on the board was delayed in showing up.  (In retrospect I appreciate God's dramatic timing ;) )

I'm squatting, catching my breath and keeping my eyes on the board waiting for the time to display.  In the mean time I am surrounded and engulfed by the flurry and excitement of my absolutely gorgeous and loving teammates.  My one friend, Rachael, holds my shoulders and cries, "I think you did it Robz! I think you did it!" Beautiful. Emotion. Just beautiful this moment.  The clock finally shows and.......2:15!!!!! I ran 7 seconds faster than my previous weeks race and qualified two seconds under the qualifying time for the 800m.  WOW! I'm still amazed at God's power in that one! I enjoyed the time with my friends and brother that came to see me before heading back to Tampa in utter amazement at God and His gift of allowing me to qualify.  I wrapped up the indoor season competing in the DMR (distance medley relay) at Big East where I ran the 800m leg. So fun!! My girlies on the relay and I ended up coming in 7th, which meant we scored some points for USF--exciting!  Now I am 2-2 in qualifying for the Championships for the year, last one to check off is outdoor season in the 400H!

So here it comes--outdoor season! Outdoor season meant my last season competing in college, the last time I would run for USF with the great individuals that comprised our team and also the last time I would run the hurdles, probably ever.  A lot of "lasts".  The first meet, which was at home, I ran the 800m because I wanted to get another week of hurdle practice under my belt before I competed.  Our second meet was at home as well and I ran the 400H.  I ended up running a 1:06 and let me tell you...this girl was. not. happy.  All these doubts and the same old lies of "here we go again" "this is all you'll ever do" started coming back. At this time is when my friend Christine stepped in, reminded me and continued to encourage me of the truths from God's word.  Psalm 25:1 "To You O Lord, I lift my soul, my God I trust in You" was the scripture of the season and something I repeated and memorized as I practiced.  I made a decision that I would do all that I possibly could, in terms of practicing and preparing myself, for the hurdles so that whatever happened at the end of the season, I had the satisfaction of working and giving my all towards something.

The next race that sticks out to me was our third and last home meet.  I always love competing at USF for the comfort factor and this meet was special because it was an Alumni meet, so former teammates where there supporting and we were also recognized as seniors on the team which was fun.  I felt good and relaxed this race too. It was probably my smoothest run over the hurdles in a while and when I crossed the finish line I saw a time of 1:04!  Could it be?! Did I qualify? I honestly did not know the exact qualifying time so I wasn't sure. I ended up hearing from a few of my friends and my coach as well that I was close but just missed qualifying.  And when I say just missed--I mean 2 tenths of a second.  Qualifying time was 1:04.14 and I ran a time of 1:04.16. You cannot even manually stop a stopwatch that quickly! .02! Insanity!  At this point in time I kind of laughed it out, it was comical to me and I thought "Okay God, I know Your hand is in this...still teaching me a lesson"  To be content, despite what time I run.  I told myself I was, but that was because I knew I still had some time left.  I still had chances to "prove" myself and qualify.  I wasn't pressed for time...yet.

I had two more opportunities to run the hurdles going into our next meet at FSU, so I wanted to get secure my qualifying time and then work on lowering on my next meet with freedom in knowing I qualified.  The week leading up to this meet I was tense, I was not spending adequate time with the Lord in His word and it showed.  I felt troubled and anxious. The tension I was holding in my body from the pressure I was placing on myself showed in what was by far the worst hurdle race I had of the season.  I honestly don't even remember my time, probably because I blacked it out of my mind >.<  This was an extremely low point for me.  And by that I mean, I kind of lost my mind a little bit.  And by that I mean after the race when the meet was still going on I just ran and ran and ran until I finally exhausted myself and crashed in a corner of campus and just let the emotion of disappointment wash over me. Pitiful pity party. What is comforting about the Lord, and life in general, is when you hit a valley you most certainly will hit a peak soon enough.  Looking back, I am grateful the breakdown was at this point so it is not what I had to end my career on.

Our final meet and opportunity to qualify was in Indiana at Indiana University.  It was unconventional for us Bulls in a couple of ways.  One, we split up as a team that weekend so some of the team was in Louisiana at LSU and the rest of us were in Indiana--that meant split coaches as well.  Also, it was COLD! Wet and rainy conditions only amplified the temperature so it was a tad bit chilly for us Tampa folk ;) Despite the differences, I was relaxed and focused.  Although it was my "last chance" I felt the expanse of opportunities ahead of me so instead of feeling pressure or feeling like everything was riding on this moment, I felt as light as air and felt I had everything to gain and nothing to lose. "To You O Lord, I lift my soul, my God I trust in You" was my anthem that I repeated to myself while warming up and getting ready for my race.  It was time.  Stripped down in the cold I shook out my legs one final time and got set in the blocks.  "Alright Lord, this should be fun, let's go" The gun went off and so did I. Over each hurdle I felt strong and assured, I could hear the cheers from my teammates around the track as I rounded the bend into the homestretch...three hurdles stood before me and the finish line, stood between me and qualifying...I powered through with everything I had in me. Spent, breathing heavy, I forced myself to look up at the board...where I saw 1:04!!!....4 flash across the board. With roughly a 1:04.4 I was close but not close enough to qualify got the Big East Championships.

"Okay, Lord" I said, "okay". After some kind words and verification of my all my hard work from my coach I gathered my things, cooled down, and called my mom.  Now, you know all it takes is a mother's voice to start the tears but as I did I made sure to let her know "I'm not sad, I'm crying but I'm not sad".  I think it was more just overwhelming feelings, everything that I have carried with me through out those four years coming to the surface and being released--the good, the bad, the lessons learned, the hours put in.  I think I literally felt every emotion you can think of: gratitude, joy, relief, satisfaction. In case you forgot let me repeat: I missed qualifying for the race that I worked four years to qualify for.  I did not achieve my "ultimate goal" yet the only emotions I felt were positive and comforting ones! I have no doubts it is my relationship with the Lord that got me through that outcome.  I was able to be joyful because I felt a purpose bigger than any track meet.  Don't get me wrong, I knew I had a purpose running track I just knew it wasn't my only purpose.  I will forever carry the lessons I learned and pray that the Lord used me to bless others in one way or another.  I knew, however, just because track may have ended for me, my purpose didn't.  The Lord wasn't done with me just because I was done with my track and field career and I cannot tell you the freedom that brought me.

And apparently, I wasn't done with my track career either!  I found out a couple days later that my coach, Coach Reif, pulled in favor of me to run the 4x800 relay at the Big East Championships!  That year, the Championships were held in New Brunswick, NJ at Rutgers!  This brought me in the backyard of two dear friends, Allison and Tyler Stowell, and was close enough for my Mom, Dad, brother Dave, my aunt Nene and cousin Kim to all make the trip to watch me run my last race!  I was officially done school so I had nothing to worry about academic wise and although I missed walking at graduation I could not think of a better replacement than running in the Outdoor Big East Championships surrounded by people I love.  After one last run with my beautiful 4x800 team I walked away from the track with a smile on my face and gratitude in my heart.

Collegiate sports are no joke and it took me a complete four years to come to terms with the outcome of my career.  I learned perseverance. Just because things are not going how you planned them does not mean it is time to give up or give in, keep pushing!  The outcome still might not be what you first desired when you get to the end but you will not walk away empty handed.  There is something beautiful and authentic about not giving up in the season, but also graciously knowing when that season is over.  I had such a peace knowing that I gave it everything I had but also knowing, and being content with, the fact that my days competing track and field were coming to an end.  Some athletes go through their careers being the face of the program, having the peak of their athletic ability through out their time in college.  Other athletes struggle, either with injuries, mental blocks, or issues outside of their sport that carry over into their performance.  I'm here to tell you, regardless of where you fall on the spectrum, to not believe the lie that you don't make a difference, that your impact isn't felt.  You have a purpose on your team.  Yes, it might not be how you envision it, but if you can see past that and give it over to the Lord, I promise He will use you in ways you couldn't imagine.  You will not be robbed of fulfillment.  He has crafted you with the ability to perform and loves to see you do so! Everyday, every practice, every game and competition is a victory with that knowledge!



Friday, January 3, 2014

Beautiful and Loved Challenge

I was trying to get to bed, dozing in and out of sleep when I felt the Lord placed this on my heart.  I said to myself, "Okay I will write about that tomorrow" and then...here I am.

I was thinking about how most of us are so quick to talk ourselves down and talk down to ourselves.  Whether it be to rebuke a compliment from someone or when we, in our hearts, think negatively about the way we look, the way we act, or who we are.

This is heavy on my heart because I am one who easily defaults to these hurtful actions and I hear too many beautiful people I love saying some of the same things.

I say hurtful for two reasons:

1) If someone gives you a compliment it means they care about you.  They are offering you a most precious gift. They are demonstrating how they feel about you by voicing their feelings in a slightly vulnerable, if you will, way--by complimenting you. They are building support around you with positive words and affirmations. I believe, and I say this because I need to hear it, that we need to start receiving those compliments. It can be hurtful if we reject the gift of compliment people offer and deny them the opportunity to love us.

2) When we speak negatively to ourselves we are chipping away at the truth of who we are little by little.  What we tell ourselves quickly becomes our reality.  Speaking harshly to and about ourselves blinds us to who we truly are and reinforces the denials we speak to others when they compliment us.  It hurts our core more then I think we even realize and becomes so readily a habit that it is frightening and sad.  

So here is my challenge for the week and something I ask you all to try as well:

1) Anytime someone pays you a compliment--before you spit out "Oh gosh no way" or "yeah right" pause and think about it, allow your heart to absorb it and believe its truth and say "Thank you". In return--people who pay the compliments: start expecting a gracious "thank you"! It is easy to become accustomed to hearing it deflected so do not be surprised when someone says thank you--in turn say thank You

2) Whenever a negative thought about yourself comes to mind try combating that with a positive truth. In your head or out-loud say "I Am Beautiful.", "I Am Loved.", "I Am Worthy." Because you without a shadow of doubt are--forever and always.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
- Psalm 139:13-14

(daily.goodcleanlove.com)